TL;DR: Life is inevitably going to be bad sometimes. You get to choose how to respond to it. Stoicism is an ancient philosophy that can help you to deal with the bad times, by teaching you to not to let them affect you.
“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” – Epictetus
Intro
Sometimes life is going to be shit. You can do everything right, you can be strict with your workout and diet, you can give up porn and start applying yourself to more productive tasks, you can meditate daily and orient your mind to your goals, you can follow all the advice on UpRiver, and other websites to a tee, yet sometimes life will just end up being shit. Things can and will eventually happen that can throw you for a loop. Your girlfriend could leave you, you could get laid off from your job, you could get seriously injured or ill, or a close friend or family member could pass away. Things like this are part of life and are often beyond your control.
So what do you do when everything around you starts to fall apart and there’s nothing you can do about it? The only thing that you really can do is to focus on what you can control and, as we discussed in our article on meditation, the one thing you can always control is your mind. Stoicism is a philosophy built around this idea.
“Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?”
–Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac in their song, “Landslide”
What is Stoicism?
When you type “Stoicism” into Google you are met with the following, rather cut-and-dry, dictionary definition:
“the endurance of pain or hardship without the display of feelings and without complaint.”
While that sums up the idea rather succinctly it also seems to leave out a lot, namely WHY you should endure pain or hardship without display of feelings and without complaint?
Pain is painful, hardships are hard. Of course they are going to make you want to scream and cry and yell and complain. So why should you go through all of that without display of feelings or complaint?
Because, when was the last time being miserable actually made you feel good?
It’s an oxymoron to even ask. Being miserable can’t make you feel good. So if the bad situation is out of your control and all you can really control is how you feel about it, why not just choose not feel bad about it? Just because your life has gone to shit, doesn’t necessarily mean you have to feel like shit.
This is the basis of stoicism: Not allowing external things that are beyond your control to affect how you feel internally.
Stoicism is a school of philosophy, however it is a much more practical philosophy than most. It focuses on the real, physical reality in front of us and how to deal with it. It encourages control over oneself and reminds us that there is lots in this world that is beyond our control and that our mortal existence in this world is fleeting. It’s grounding, as it encourages us to think logically about what is happening to us, rather than reacting emotionally. For one looking to not get caught up in the highs nor crushed by the lows of life and instead focus on the path ahead, a stoic mindset is essential.
How to Practice Stoicism
While it is easy to say you will endure the pain and hardships through life without display of feeling and hardship, it is much more difficult to actually do it. Humans are innately emotional creatures so when bad things happen to us our initial reaction when confronted with something difficult is to react emotionally. The logical way forward is often not an easy one.
As with most concepts we discuss on UpRiver, stoicism will take time and practice to begin seeing the benefits of it. Below are some common practices [1] that you can use to begin getting yourself into a stoic mindset.
- Always ask yourself, “Is this in my control?”
Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle. Some things are within your control. And some things are not.
– Epictetus
We’ve already touched on this in the section above but it is worth mentioning again here. Whenever something negative comes up in your life the first question you should always ask yourself is, “Is this in my control?” If it is in your control, you should by all means take the necessary actions to fix it. However, often it will be the case that it is not in your control and that there really isn’t anything you can do about it. Use this understanding to control your feelings and emotions towards whatever the issue is.
This is not to say that you need to try to twist every bad thing that happens into a positive and “always look on the bright side.” You can acknowledge that your current situation is negative, yet still choose not to let it negatively affect you. Logically, there is no reason to allow things beyond your control to bring you down.
- Meditate on your Morality
You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think.”
– Marcus Aurelius
It is possible for you to die almost every day. Every time you get into a car you risk getting into a crash and dying. Every time you eat it’s possible that you could choke to death. Walking around, you could easily trip and hit your head the wrong way and that would be the end of you. Even just reading this article someone could break into your home and murder you.
It may seem morbid and unproductive to think of unlikely things like this, but the point being made is that death could happen at almost any time, and it does to many people around the world every day. Think about all the struggles and little annoyances in your life that are bothering you right now. If you were to die right now would they still be bothering you? Would they even matter any more? The answer is likely no, so why let them bother you right now?
This is not meant to be a depressing thought, on the contrary it should be quite freeing. Take time daily to remind yourself that you are mortal, you could die at any point, and you will eventually die some day. Use that to determine if something is truly worth feeling bad or upset about.
It is important not to get this confused with nihilism. As a stoic you can still have cares and ambitions and purpose in your life, you just also accept the reality that life is fragile, fleeting and could end at any moment and choose to base your perception of the world through that lens.
- Practice Negative Visualisation
Imagine for a moment that the person closest to you were to pass away today. Imagine how that would make you feel. You can probably feel the sadness and grief welling up in you already. We don’t want to see our loved ones pass away, but just like the reality is true that you could die at any moment, the same is also just as true for everybody else, loved ones included. At some point in your life, someone you care about will die. It is part of life. It is almost guaranteed. It is beyond your control.
As sad as this is to think about, thinking about it can help you manage your emotions when the time actually comes, especially if you accept and internalize that when the time comes there will most likely have been absolutely nothing you could have done about it.
Practicing negative visualization is not fun or enjoyable by any means, but doing it can make you strong and resilient and ready to face the challenges that life will inevitably throw at you.
- Practice Misfortune
It is in times of security that the spirit should be preparing itself for difficult times; while fortune is bestowing favors on it is then is the time for it to be strengthened against her rebuffs.
-Seneca
One of the best ways to be prepared for when things go wrong is to already know what it’s like when things are bad. It may sound a little silly at first but you can actually prepare for things to go bad, that way if they go bad, it’s not as shocking. Try fasting for a day to experience what it would be like to go hungry. Give up your phone, computer, car and other useful technology for one day a week to learn what it would be like if you lost them. Spend a couple days away with no contact from your girlfriend, best friend or other person who you feel like you rely on a lot to know how life would be without them. If you prepare for misfortune it won’t hit as hard when it actually happens.
- Take a step back
At the time of writing this article, about 150 thousand [2] people have died today. Around 150 thousand people died yesterday and around 150 thousand people will also die tomorrow. Assuming that every one of those 150 thousand had at least 1 other person in this world who cared about them, that adds up to a lot of broken hearts. 150 thousand broken hearts a day. That sounds like a tragedy, but at the same time… it isn’t. We know that that’s part of life. It doesn’t make us sad to think about; thousands of people are born, thousands of people die, life goes on. When you zoom out like that it doesn’t seem so bad anymore.
Look to history and understand that it is full of bad things happening to people who didn’t deserve it and then look to the present and see that the same is also true. The one thing that remains the same is that people always got through it and that means you can too. You may feel like losing a loved one is so devastating that you’ll never recover, but then you look to your friend who went through the same thing a few years ago and see that they are doing okay. Your suffering is not unique. Other people have gone through it before and have come out okay on the other side. Things can only destroy you if you let them.
Conclusion
Life can and will be bad sometimes in ways that are often beyond your control. It is up to you to choose how you let it affect you. Adopting a stoic mindset will help you to handle the seasons of your life.
References
[1] https://dailystoic.com/what-is-stoicism-a-definition-3-stoic-exercises-to-get-you-started/
[2] https://www.worldometers.info/
